I Kissed a Girl

For some reason I felt like re-writing the lyrics of Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl. The original looks like this:

I thought I'd be really clever and witty when I re-wrote the lyrics, but then I realised that was completely beyond my ability. Anyway, here's what I wrote. Don't ask why:

I Kissed A Girl

This was never the way I planned;
Not my intention.
I needed a shave, razor in hand
I bent over the basin.
It's not what, I'm used to,
To be goosed by a midget in frou-frou.
I'm curious as to why
You did that, actually.

I kissed a girl just after Mike did:
The taste of his Marmite chapstick.
I kissed a girl, it’s true, I can’t deny it.
I wonder what my platonic companion will have to say about this, oh yeah.
It felt so wrong.
It is against both God and Nature.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight,
Because I’m rather keen on catching the latest episode of Doctor Who.
I’ve heard it’s meant to be quite good this week, yeah.

No, I don't even know your name.
It doesn't matter.
I’m not very good with names anyway, you’ll have to excuse me there. It all stems from a childhood trauma to do with self-introductions, and that’s why I’m acting a bit weird. Damn, I’ve really fucked this up now, haven’t I? No, really, it’s cool. It’s cool.
Just human nature.
And the works of Friedrich Nietzsche.
Good god, do girls do
This sort of thing usually?
My head gets so confused,
Hard to obey. But we can talk about it, if you like.

I kissed a girl and I felt ambivalent about it:
The taste of her chap Terry’s stick.
I dissed a girl just to try it.
Everyone says that's the way to get laid, but she gave me a funny look. So I nervously retracted my comments about slugs and so on, and said it was just a really bad, inept joke, and we should just forget it. Perhaps fortunately, this was after I'd already kissed her, and she said, "Whatever!" and things kind of went okay from there for a while re the whole kissing thing:
It felt so wrong.
It felt so frankly bizarre. I had to go up to the flat roof of the building and ponder for a while, half hoping she’d follow me up and ask what had happened, so that we could play mind-games, but she didn’t.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.
Though I will be for a while
When it really sinks in that she wasn’t at all serious. Damn.

Girls, by all accounts, are extremely magical.
Compared to a feller, about ten times more biological.
Hard to resist their wardrobe.
Too good to deny it.
Ain't no big deal, I really want to try on that miniskirt and boob-tube.

I kissed a girl and I’ll have to think over the implications of this for the fragile identity I’ve constructed for myself and my future generally.
The taste of Terry, her chap’s stick.
I kissed a girl uninvited.
The worst part is I’d really only bent forward to try and catch what she was saying over the noise of the party.
It felt so wrong,
I think I might have accidentally bitten her tongue.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.
Because I’m well past that kind of adolescent excitement, unfortunately.
I don’t suppose anything will come of it.