Posted on by qscrisp

I just want to be seen in the back of your car

Today I would like to borrow the wisdom of Michael Kelly, who has, somewhere on the Internet, a whole page of misery. In particular, I would like to direct the attention of my readers to a piece there entitled something like, 'No Scrubs' by TLC – Is This The Most Evil Song Ever Written?. Though I have been aware of Michael Kelly's Page of Misery for some time, I am afraid that I have, until recently, overlooked this masterpiece, perhaps largely because I had no idea who TLC was or were. I had some idea what TLC was, but only in the kind of world where, for instance, Big Brother is the sinister figurehead of a brutal, totalitarian regime as depicted in George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, and not a television show for people who do not realise they are part of an Orwellian nightmare themselves. Only in the kind of world where, for instance, Frankenstein refers to a misguided professor who assembles a monster from various pieces of charnel grave-loot, and not to the monster thus assembled. In that kind of world, TLC means, I believe, 'Tender Loving Care'. In this world, the world with which I am less conversant, TLC – in the spirit of Orwellian double-think – seems to mean exactly the opposite of that.

Anyway, I read the piece in question, and had the feeling that it was probably the definitive work on the subject, even though I knew nothing about the subject itself. I decided I must investigate. To my horror and surprise, there really is a song called No Scrubs, by something called 'TLC', which in no way whatsoever differs from the description given of it in the abovementioned and above-linked text.

If you don't believe me, here it is:

Hmmmm.

If you have not done so already, I urge you again to read what is the definitive examination of this thing.

I quote therefrom:

I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me…

If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
If you live at home with your Momma
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
If you have a shorty but you don't show love
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
Wanna get with me with no money
Oh no I don't want no scrub

No scrubs
No scrubs, whoah
Away with you, you beastly scrubs

As you can see, a paraphrase of this song might run as follows:

We are whores
Our juices only flow for blokes with German cars
We are whores, yes, we are proud to be whores

Ironically, one of the collective known as 'TLC' died in a car crash. I just hope the irony did not escape her as the Mitsubishi Pajero rolled over several times, apparently throwing her through the window.

Now, if you, like I, feel the need to scrub yourself clean after exposure to the putrid filth that is No Scrubs, then the particular musical cold shower that I would recommend is this:

19 Replies to “I just want to be seen in the back of your car”

  3. Now, that one I am long familiar with.I don’t especially like it, but I’m not aware of anything obnoxious about it in the way that No Scrubs is. Am I not listening hard enough?I suppose I prefer, at least in music, sexual innuendo, to something as… er… in your face as this.

  6. Anonymous writes:

    The most evil song ever written? C’mon! Mr Misery needs to expose himself to a broader range of entertainments. I don’t happen to find the tune as evil as Mr Misery takes it to be. The overarching sentiment– if you got no means, keep walking– while harsh, is perfectly understandable in the context of who TLC were and where they came from. It’s a cultural thing, you wouldn’t understand. Living the good life, the attainment of status, immediate gratification and the like, are all ever-present themes in the lyrics hip hop. A shorty, btw, is not a small penis. What it is is an attractive woman. “Yo, shorty, can I get with you?”Quentin, you and Isis really stirred it up on the Dawkins board. I enjoyed that.

  7. Anonymous writes:Lemme just add that if you gents have a problem with “Scrubs”, what on earth must you think of The Stones’ “Under My Thumb”? For “evil” quotient, “Scrubs” has not a chance against that tune’s vengeful misogyny.

  8. Hello.While No Scrubs might not be the most evil song ever written, I actually can’t think, off the top of my head, of one that is more evil, at this moment in time. I shall try to. I’m skeptical of cultural things that I wouldn’t understand. My response would be, try me! Please explain, and maybe I’ll understand, after all. I don’t know much about hip-hop, but I do know that the themes you mention, while common, are not ubiquitous. Even if they were, would I have to agree with them?There’s a little asterisked note about the “shorty” thing at the bottom of the article. It looks like you’ve provided a new insight there. The closest explanation mentioned in the note is “girlfriend”, if I remember aright. Ah yes, the old Dawkins board thing. Thanks for reminding me. I might give the impression that I’ve never met a scientist or have no close ties with people of a science background. This is not true. I was, in fact, speaking to someone of just such a background only a couple of weeks ago, about a similar thing (as was being ‘discussed’ on the Dawkins boards), and he grasped in seconds the point that Justin and I were trying to make on that board, and said something like, “Well that’s obvious.” A point that none of those on that board was willing to entertain, and that Dawkins himself is unable to grasp. It really is stunning to me how fixated these people are. But I suppose I shouldn’t crow, since I am, when all is said and done, a complete arsehole.I pretty much hate The Rolling Stones. I’ve never liked The Rolling Stones. I’ll give Under My Thumb a listen, though, to see how it compares with No Scrubs. It’s not the one about “yesterday’s newspaper” is it? Or am I thinking of another one?

  9. Justin Isis writes:

    Nowadays no one would dare pull the kind of shit Parliament did, wearing costumes and singing about space ships and pyramids. Or Sun Ra:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_Ra“Of all the jazz musicians, Sun Ra was probably the most controversial,” according to critic Scott Yanow, due to Sun Ra’s eclectic music and unorthodox lifestyle. Claiming that he was of the “Angel Race” and not from Earth, but from Saturn, Sun Ra developed a complex persona of “cosmic” philosophies and lyrical poetry that made him a pioneer of afrofuturism as he preached awareness and peace above all. He abandoned his birth name and took on the name and persona of Sun Ra (Ra being the ancient Egyptian god of the sun), and used several other names throughout his career, including Le Sonra and Sonny Lee. Blount denied any connection with birth name, saying “That’s an imaginary person, never existed … Any name that I use other than Ra is a pseudonym.”He also claimed to be “asexual.” Hm…

  10. Justin Isis writes:

    The old-school hip-hop was not materialistic.Grandmaster Flash, etc. See: “The Message.”That said it’s pretty well dead now – the sell-out shit and all. So is rock. The only music worth listening to now is like French and Japanese remixes of trance anthems. I don’t know why this has happened, really, but it has. I feel vaguely retarded now when I listen to anything that isn’t explicitly based on dancing.I think Parliament survived for some reason too; it’s hard to kill the Mothership Connection.

  11. Anonymous writes:

    You never liked the Stones!? Once upon a time I would have answered, then you don’t like rock & roll. I’ve outgrown that. Indeed, I’ve moved past The Stones on to other musics. And, for sure, I don’t at all like what they’ve become. But their early music still kills in a way that is deliciously sublime. And Keith Richards is the prototype for the legions of skinny kids who picked up a guitar thereafter. I would have thought their dark, bad boy persona and their dionysian profligacy appealing to you.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DI6WA-2CgyE

  12. I’ve never really been very rock’n’roll. I was a bit heavy metal years and years ago, but as Axl Rose would probably say, “That’s not rock’n’roll”. If I had to choose between Guns’n’Roses and Iron Maiden, it would be the latter any day. Yeah, of course I know that Under My Thumb track. What am I thinking of? I’ll have to look up the lyrics, though, as I can’t hear much apart from the title line. I’m not sure if you mean that I’d find dionysian bad boys attractive because I am one, or because I just would. I can’t remember specifically saying much in praise of dionysian bad boys in the past. Of course, I’m not one. That is my great failure, and perhaps my only point of interest. It always seems to me that, although it might be wonderful actually to be a dionysian bad boy, they can be rather boring from the outside, especially artistically.You realise, of course, that there’s no way that I can possibly back out of anything I’ve said in the above blog post. If it had been my opinions alone, that would have been fine, but I have now asked readers specifically to examine someone else’s views with my own seal of approval. Therefore, to remove such approval would be a betrayal, and that I cannot do.Normally, I ‘flip-flop’ (apparently a really bad thing) like a catfish in a moon-bouncer, whatever that is.

  13. There’s some reasonably recent hip-hop that’s not materialistic, too, if I read it aright. I’m thinking of Roots Manuva, for instance. I realise that’s not Staten Island. Closer to The Isle of Dogs. I don’t know if Sun Ra would be classed as a dionysian bad boy, but that’s exactly what popular music should be all about. If you’re not going to be an asxeual Saturnian of the Angel Race, you have absolutely no excuse for working in popular music.

  14. Anonymous writes:

    Agree with your point, Justin, on old skool hip hop. I don’t have much use for what is being sold these days in the genre. I prefer Wu-Tang, Schooly D, even Biggie Smalls. But who listens to them any more? I’ve tried Kanye west, and I’ve opened myself to the entreaties of friends who are fans, but it’s not for me. Did you ever see comedian Zack Galifianakis’ spoof on Kanye’s tune “You Can’t Tell Me Nothing”? It’s hilarious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x0TumWdlhkIt's difficult faulting rappers and their celebration of materialism when we find how hedge fund managers bonus themselves billions, no?These days it’s mainly electronic based music, e.g. Oren Ambarchi, Christian Fennesz (New disc!) and what has come to be classified as black metal, or doom. Sunn O))) “Domkirke”, recorded live in an old church in Norway, is a forbidding, imposing edifice of sound. The musical equivalent of a Richard Serra sculpture. And in an altogether different stream, Grace Jones’ new disc is fantastic! Quentin, I’ve got “Shrike” on pre-order. How’s that progressing?

  15. Anonymous writes:

    “But that’s exactly why I think they are severely mistaken if they pursue materialism. Are their role models really hedge fund managers? I don’t want to listen to hedge fund managers making music.” LOL!!”While there might only be a very faint flickering of values other than the materialistic within the human heart, I feel we should give those values every chance we can.” Amen.

  16. It’s difficult faulting rappers and their celebration of materialism when we find how hedge fund managers bonus themselves billions, no?But that’s exactly why I think they are severely mistaken if they pursue materialism. Are their role models really hedge fund managers? I don’t want to listen to hedge fund managers making music.I want music that provides some kind of alternative to all that. I’ll even allow for a little hypocrisy as long as they’re not just flat-out proud to be social Darwinists. I’m not saying that it’s easy living in a world ruled by hedge fund managers, and most of the time they seem to fix the rules of the game. Whenever one of us does something that is materialistic (because we have to eat, for instance), you’ll find some loathsome marketing executive saying, “Ha ha, you see! I was right. It’s all about money. Even you have to make money, or you’ll starve. Give in to the forces of captitalism. Worship at the altar of Mammon. Grovel before my fiscal might. Your ideals are worthless.” And so on. But this is unkind. (Reminds me of the following):http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gDW_Hj2K0woWhile there might only be a very faint flickering of values other than the materialistic within the human heart, I feel we should give those values every chance we can. Quentin, I’ve got “Shrike” on pre-order. How’s that progressing? Well, I’m only the author, and therefore I’m not privy to such knowledge, but I’m guessing that it can’t be much longer till the book goes to the printers. In fact, I got a PDF file earlier today of the jacket, which I was asked to scour for mistakes. I’m intrigued now that people who have pre-ordered my book read my blog…I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising, but I don’t think there were many pre-orders (I’m guessing based on evidence). I feel like… Schopenhauer or something.

  18. Anonymous writes:

    wickedlizard here… too lazy to sign back on… :whistle: :lol:maybe, not enough :coffee: yet…Morrissey any day… never heard that other song before… it is horrible! How could you post such filth? :insane::D :heart:

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